The Clampets go to the hospital

OK I have finally met the dumbest person alive. We will call him Ted in an effort to protect the stupid. Around 2300 hrs tonight Ted was assaulted by some people that “live around the corner.” We arrive after the cops do and all he wants to know from us is if he can press charges. Ted insists that his eardrum is “broken.” So far this call is rather run of the mill but then it takes a turn for the worse.

“Ted, what is you phone number here?” I ask.

“I don’t know you’ll hafta ask my mom.” (Now keep in mind Ted is 20)

“OK, don’t worry about it.” I say.

Now at this point the officer wants it so Ted goes inside and comes out empty handed. He says he still doesn’t know. A minute goes by and a person opens the front door. It’s mom. She weighs at least 350 if not more, has a mustache that resembles Hulk Hogan’s. She asks him what happened to his bus card. The door opens again. A man who at first reminds me of the product of Jed Clampet and ZZ Top, minus the cool sunglasses come into view, this must be dad I think to myself. Dad says, and this is a direct quote, “Here is the home phone number. Now don’t lose it, it’s the only one we got.”

Mom then tells us that Ted is unable to read or write, which actually doesn’t surprise either of us. After all we had already come to the conclusion that mom and dad were blood relatives somewhere along the same stick of the family tree… but I digress… How the Hell do you get to be 20 years old and don’t know how to read?? My 2 y/o is able to read a few words like trash and sand.

The call runs smoothly for a while, Ted goes with the officers to show them where the people that beat him up live. While they are gone dad decides to chat us up. He tells us of how he uses his Medicare/Medicaid card as his bus pass, and how Ted was using a second copy of his dad’s card as his bus pass but he lost it. Dad is now worried that Ted wont make it back home because, “He don’t have a bus pass.” Well he never had one to begin with but that is neither here nor there. We also learn the story of the family vehicle which is in the shop because of the bilge pump or the pool pump which is what I swear I heard dad say. The officers arrive back at the ambulance Ted climbs in and then dad walks up and says I think I should go with him so he can get back home on the bus.” I begin to protest due to the ignorance just displayed but stop because maybe dad knows of some way to get 2 people home on just one Medicaid card.

On the way to the hospital the pt and my partner are sitting in the back, and I am listening to the conversation through the headset and it gets quiet for just a moment and I hear Ted say to my partner, “How you doin?” Luke, now baffled because this is not normal pt behavior says “I’m fine how are you?” Ted responds, “My head hurts” Luke’s only response is “Ya don’t say”

Due to laws that I totally agree with, Dad is sitting in the passenger seat. I hear Luke ask Ted what his zip code is and to help him out in case Ted doesn’t know I ask dad. “Sir, what zip code is it there at your house” the only response I get it a completely blank stare, “Sir?” again a stare. He is staring right out the windshield as if mesmerized by something off in the distance and it takes at least 2 min to get his attention.

We arrive at the Ambulance bay of my favorite hospital here in Austin and we all hop out of the truck. Ted is fine so he has earned the right to walk himself into the ER. We all walk the 30 ft to the door in Ted and I go and dad just stops dead in his tracks and again stares as if he has never seen this thing in front of him. It takes a good 90 Seconds to catch his attention and get him moving.

While I understand there are stupid people in the world- believe me, they are job security- it is hard to understand how these thoughts seem logical to people. I mean really; a piece of paper with the phone number on it is the only record of your phone number????? Don’t you maybe get a bill? Or maybe you can call someone with caller ID, or even better yet MEMORIZE IT.

This same night I am reminded of the Family Guy movie’s Wilford Brimley commercial. I included it for your benefit. Enjoy

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